woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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