i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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