how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
