Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
