It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
