I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize