shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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