Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
