We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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