Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
