Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
