lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
