I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The adults are the big ones right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
