Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
