i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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