Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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