level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
