The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
