i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
