the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Randomize
