I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
