his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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