I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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