So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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