My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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