The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
