shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
