This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
