i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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