Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
