I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
im six kinds of drunk right now
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
