god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
