He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
