Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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