This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
