I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
