woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
