You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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