Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
