I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
