YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize