I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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