drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
