I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
