I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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