five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
