He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
