just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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