Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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