wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
