tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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