My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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