hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
