So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
