3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
