I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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