If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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