Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize